Toxic empathy

Empathy is a powerful and deeply human trait, our ability to emotionally connect with others, to understand and share their feelings, and to respond with compassion. But when empathy is misdirected, especially toward individuals with narcissistic tendencies, it can become not just unhelpful, but harmful. This is the realm of toxic empathy when our concern for someone else's pain overrides our ability to set boundaries, protect ourselves, or see clearly what is actually happening.

Narcissists often appear charming, wounded, and in need of special understanding. They can present themselves as misunderstood or victimized, eliciting sympathy from those around them. For empathetic individuals, this triggers a strong emotional pull: “If I can just love them enough, maybe they'll heal.” The desire to rescue or soothe can quickly lead to self-abandonment.

Toxic empathy begins when we consistently prioritize the narcissist’s needs, feelings, or perspective at the expense of our own well-being. It means rationalizing abusive behavior because we understand “where it’s coming from.” It means staying silent to avoid upsetting them. It means offering second, third, and tenth chances, even when the patterns of manipulation, gaslighting, and exploitation are obvious.

This dynamic can be especially destructive because narcissists often weaponize empathy. They exploit it, using guilt and vulnerability to keep their partner, friend, or family member emotionally entangled. Their emotional pain, real or fabricated, becomes a tool to control, ensuring that the empath remains loyal, self-doubting, and off-balance.

Recovering from this kind of entanglement requires a radical shift: realizing that empathy must include oneself. Self-empathy honoring one’s own emotions, pain, and intuition is the antidote to toxic empathy. It allows us to recognize when we are being drained rather than nourished, and to accept that understanding someone’s wounds doesn’t mean tolerating their harmful behavior.

It’s a painful truth for many empaths to face: not everyone deserves your compassion in the same measure. Empathy is a gift, but like all gifts, it must be given with discernment. When extended to someone who uses it against you, it becomes a trap.

True empathy empowers, connects, and heals. But when twisted into a tool for enduring mistreatment, it must be reevaluated. Loving a narcissist doesn’t mean saving them.

 Sometimes, the most compassionate act for both yourself and them, is to walk away.

If this resonated with you, you might love a free short course worksheet, please email me for a list of topics to choose from, thank you.